Today, was supposed to be the day I see my grand baby but her Mom canceled cause the baby is sick and had to go to the ER. My son knows that baby is sick so not a lie.. However, my son needs to get a back bone and assert his authority as the baby's father. Hopefully, my grand baby is okay and canceling the visit doesn't become something that happens often.

As of right now he can come out 3 nights a week to see the baby for 3 hours.

baby!!!

I haven't seen my grand baby in quite sometime.. Between the courts and maybe a change of heart of the family my son is now allowed to see her. I got some cute pictures and videos of her sent to me yesterday while my son was visiting with her. I also got a phone call from the girl's dad saying I can visit.. We can only see the baby under the supervision of the Mom.. That is part of the court order. I am hoping with time that can change down the road.. but for now we will take what we can get.

I will be driving him today to see her. I am so excited to see her. She has gotten so big. Time doesn't stop just cause grown ups can't get their act together. I am sure there has been many firsts that have been lost. However, I know the best thing is just to move forward and love her in the here and now.

My son has a new girlfriend. I like her but I am not getting overly excited about her. When my son seemed serious about his baby's Mom I really took a liking to her. I suppose I am always chasing that daughter/mom relationship thing. She didn't have a Mom so it was the perfect situation.. or so I thought.

With this new girlfriend, I am not jumping head first thinking anything to serious. We shall see where it goes. I been telling him since the last baby shower.. no baby shower unless he is married.. So really hoping if he has anymore children he knows she is the one for him. She is a Mom too. Her daughter looks a bit older but not by much.. So hopefully they can support each other in the sense that they are raising children from previous relationships.

I had a really hard winter and for the first time since I started losing weight I have to admit that I had a slip up where I allowed myself to get off my game and gain about 10 to 15 pounds. I am determined that I will get that weight off by doing what I know what works for me.. It's such a huge pain in the ass though. But I refuse to let all my hard work go to waste..

I am trying not to weigh myself everyday anymore. I don't think it's a healthy way to start every single day. I aim to do it 2 to 3 times a week. I am satisfied with that amount. I never want to not weigh myself and really slip up bad. I refuse to live in denial.

I have my workout routine pretty solid. I mostly go to the YMCA for body combat and body pump.. There are a couple days of the week I have to cut the class short but I squeeze my workout in where I can get them in. I don't do it for anyone but myself. I don't feel good if I don't get them in.

I have to get better control of my eating habits. They are not super horrible but I need to get more serious about the logging of my calories and that is so much work.. It's a huge project to know how many calories are in a meal that the whole family is eating. I have done it before so I can do it again.

I know some people look at fat people and judge them. I try not to be that way. One never knows what kind of life they have lived to get to that point or where they are at in life in general. I am a little bit of a social butterfly. I talk to others and I am not afraid to open my mouth if I hear something that I can add to.

Today, this big woman weighed herself and said down the first 10 pounds. She was probably my starting weight or more. I don't guess well. I told her great work and told her a little bit about my story of how I lost the weight. I could really relate to her when she mentioned the food addictions. I told her how I did it slow and I just took one day at a time and got the weight off.. I mentioned some of my little tricks to avoid the mindless eating when not hungry. I reminded her that she didn't gain weight over night and won't lose it overnight. That's a lesson that anyone trying to lose weight really needs to hear.

I met another lady that asked me what workouts I do and when I mentioned running and how I ran a half marathon. She was pretty impressed. She said how she doesn't like to run but has done it some to cheer her friends on.

I most likely will being doing some runs.. I am most likely sadly admitting skipping the color run.. It's not that I don't wanna do it. I don't want to spend the money for a 5k run.. Plus, just not really sure I want to face that first race without someone waiting for me at the finish line.

I am going to sign up for a 8 mile trail one. It's a little cheaper and will have a greater sense of pride upon finishing it. I hope to do another half marathon too.. Although, I fear the trail run and the Biggest Loser Run will be really close in dates.

My Ex and I ended on such bad terms that we are no longer friends nor do we talk anymore. It's for the best for me. I can't speak for him. I have been following his blog because I can't help but be curious if he makes his trip or not. I wish him all the best. He has been gone for about two weeks now and it's kind of cool to see that he is actually making this bike trip. I thought I would share his blog with others to read. Go here.

It's the last I will mention him cause talking about him or my divorce isn't the direction for this blog.

Filbert

Meet Filbert! He is an aquatic turtle who has me trained. He wasn't looking too good in his 40 gallon tank. He wasn't eating at all. My boyfriend and I went to the pet store shortly after he moved in with me and we both chipped in money for a 75 gallon tank. He is loving having more room to swim and basking in his sun.

Your probably wondering how he has trained me. He decided he doesn't eat turtle pellets anymore. He mostly just eats cooked chicken. Yes. I cook chicken for the turtle. He has a couple gold fish that live with him and if he chases them then I run and get chicken. It's a good arrangement. My wish is to have a couple fat goldfish that share his tank.

I learned how to get the ads back on my blog so I am looking forward to getting earning money again by writing.

Hey all. Anyone still read this. I have a computer at home again so if the urge to write strikes you will hear from me. I don't know what direction this blog will really take though.

I don't have much more to add about adoption.. I think I have wrote all I can write about it without sounding like a broken record. Maybe I have finally found some peace.. as much peace as I feel possible for me.

My reunion with my daughter has sort of went sour.. We just don't have much more contact besides facebook these days.. I don't get to see her when she comes to town. She ignores my requests to see her. I have no choice to accept it for what it is. However, every since I canceled one facebook page and created another one.. i hear more from her on the new account.. I guess I just have to take what she is offering to give and be waiting for me if it ever comes. \

Due to divorce I lost my step daughter and grand daughter. It was pretty much my decision. I choose to walk away from all of my ex's family. I never felt like my relationship with my step daughter was real. My grand daughter was here with her Dad but as far as I know the plan is for her to go live with her Mom so easier to cut ties now.

I am still working on my fitness goals.. I have to admit I gained a few pounds during the winter and my divorce. I won't let this get me down. I know I can get the weight back off. I just got to put the work back into it. It's finally getting nice here. I hope to run a couple races this summer.

I am in a pretty happy place in my life right now. I will try to post more often.

Forgiveness

I don't get along with my Mom well.. It's not that we fight or anything.. but I seriously can't sit at a table with her without someone else.. The last time I did that I was so miserable. I said I would never do it again. It's odd that it felt that way because a few years ago we took a 12 hour road trip to see my sister in Tennessee.
I don't recall that being awkward or uncomfortable at all.. I suppose it could been the open road, travel anxiety and music that distracted me.

I don't know if forgiveness is the "elephant" in the room when I am alone with Mom. I honestly don't know if I can ever completely forgive her for her actions during my childhood and lastly the adoption of my daughter and how she handled it. I have never really had a conversation with her about my daughter. It has always been swept under the wrong. I know from my family that she will shut down if Izzy is mentioned to her.

Suppose some day I maybe ready to forgive her but today just isn't the day.