Thursday, September 30, 2010
I won't turn this into a weight loss blog. I am just not that brave. However, since I was about 30 lbs down, I said if I get to 35 lbs then I will try to explain my run down on how I made this change.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
So, I put them away and I look through the bag that I have at home. I take it all out and sort through the clothes. It's 75% girls. Can you tell that I like to buy girl clothes? Well, that is okay but boys need clothes too and for some reason most of Meld's babies have been rotten boys. I mean that in a good way. lol So, I have to start thinking more about boys when I buy clothes. I can always buy my step daughter's baby girl pink clothes!!! Yea pink!!!
Monday, September 27, 2010
This session, I have been more friendly with the Mom's. Plus, it is the third session that some of them are seeing me for. I know the kids by their voices. I impressed one mom when I heard who daughter crying and she heard me say there comes "Ella" I feel so more confident than I did in the beginning. I also feel so blessed. I know that I am doing Meld, the moms and the babies a service but they are providing something on such a deep level.
This was the male volunteer second week and I like him. We haven't really talked but he has made a difference in the care of the older child. There is more control now. He isn't running through the room with the kid grocery cart out of control. It's teaching me to be more open minded. I didn't think male would be good.
The amount that I have raised and that includes me setting aside my five for Meld. I tried to put it into the account and I was told that I couldn't email myself money. :) So, I will keep it at home or make my husband use his bank account. The amount raised in this first week was 20.00 dollars. I don't think that's too bad for the first week. I have faith that more people will donate. Also, if anyone would like to put this request on your blog that would be really great. If anyone has any baby clothes to toddler clothes that they would like to send, I am open to giving out an address only if I can get a feel for who you are. Thanks again, for those who have donated to Meld.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
MELD is a non-profit social service agency started in 1981. MELD is supported through donations and through federal, state and local grants including United Way, Youth Services Network, the Department of Human Services, as well as through community contributions, in-kind donations and fundraising special events. Rockford MELD, Inc. is a 501(c)(3) Tax Exempt Organization - Federal Identification Number 36-3347409
Rockford MELD’s Mission is “guiding young parents to build a strong family and lead a responsible life by providing shelter, education and life skills training”. Through our programs and services MELD offers support and resources, life and job skills training, parenting information, emergency shelter and housing. MELD provides programs for young parents and their children in our community.
- Partnerships with community individuals, churches and social service agencies are fundamental to the success of MELD programs.
- Joint programming with local agencies and schools ensure that MELD families receive comprehensive and coordinated services.
- Area churches assist MELD by hosting the Moms and Dads Groups.
- Local housing developers coordinate with MELD to provide affordable and safe homes for MELD families.
Rockford MELD is a non-profit social service agency that is funded by Youth Services Network, United Way , Department of Human Services, federal, state, and local grants, donations of many individuals, churches, businesses and corporate partners and fundraising events.
This past year (Fiscal Year 2010):
- MELD at Trinity House Homeless Shelter housed, fed and clothed 54 mothers and children for a total of 2,855 bed nights.
* A total of 512 mothers and children were turned away from the MELD at Trinity House Homeless Shelter due to lack of space
- 106 mothers and fathers received parenting education, information and support in the MELD Moms and Dads Groups.
- The MELD Transitional Living Program provided housing for 103 mothers and children for a total of 15,175 bed nights.
- 51 young women received and/or completed work readiness, GED/educational assistance, tutoring, vocational training and/or were employed at local businesses and agencies.
- 119 families were prevented from becoming homeless by being provided case management and/or housed through the Rapid Re-Housing Program.
- Over 650 individuals volunteered with programs and events for MELD.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Are we forgetting the dads? Dads are almost always at a disadvantage in about all things domestic. Courts, adoptions, society in general tend to overlook the importance of the father and partner in kids upbringing. Even people that seem to know that, tend to forget. Even this letter fails to mention dads. The bias towards young dads is very real. Dads are ignored or, in some cases, actively written out of their children's lives. For example, moms looking for adoption for their child, alot of times, just say that they don't know who the dad is. Simpler that way.(Come on, we know that they are pretty sure who is the dad) And we wonder why dads don't stand up. Boys learn from their moms and others that they are not the primary caregiver. Sperm donor and paycheck. I am glad that my mom taught me that men and women are equal and share the same joys and heartbreaks and responsibilities together. Society forgets this. I have been a dad for 25 years and have felt and experienced this bias and it is very hard to overcome. Men that take care of children are treated funny and older men that take an interest in kids are initialy thought of as perverts. (Don't get me started on the old white guy talking to black children) Ah well, it is better than it used to be.
I just heard on a song that each generation blames the earlier generation for it's faults. I think that is so true. I am guessing that your not a young guy but not super old either. Back in the day, men just didn't take care of children. They worked and the Mother did all the child raising. This was of course before my time, but since I work around people 70 and up that's the stories they tell.
Now both parents have to work and I believe it's starting to shift where Dad's are expected to be taking care of the children. My first husband didn't do this much and I kind of blame myself. I let him get away with it. I think women need to stand there ground and even before the babies are born. Let them know that they will be a Dad. They will earn a paycheck and feed and change the baby. Once you let them get in the habit of letting Mom do all the child raising it's a hard habit to break.
With the fund raising, I am talking about Meld. They can house woman as young as 15 to 23 years of age. Men are not allowed to to live there. It's may not seem fair but it is the way it is. We are not talking about stable young ladies who are on vacation. We are talking about homeless and pregnant and not to say that the Dad's should step away but I personally feel that they need the support to get an education, jobs, and of course parenting classes. They are not allowed to live in the shelter long and I believe there main focus should be on making a start for themselves and their unborn child or children.
The young Dad's are getting support too. They get the parenting classes and also all the resources when it comes to education, job skills and partnering up with local business and parenting classes. I know it's the the best situation but there are homeless shelters for the men if they need it.
I know Dad's do get the rights walked on when it comes to adoption. I am a guilty party. I didn't know any better when I was young. It was easy. Not one single person question my story. It's a regret that I will probably live with forever. I know that you didn't see me mention Dad's on that post but I do think of them. I think of Izzy's biological Dad here and there. I know people don't always want to hear it but there is a connection. You can't forget or remove all feelings from someone that you brought a life into this world. I think of him often enough to wish I knew where he was so that I could personally tell him how sorry that I am. I had no right to take his daughter away from him without his having a say in the matter.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Last summer, I was able to sit in and hear some of their stories on how they turned their life around. Some of these girls, most of them, have come from bad backgrounds and hopefully Meld will help them break that cycle.
I have put a donate button on my blog. My personal goal for myself is to donate 5 a week for Meld. I would like to present them with a check around the second week of Christmas. I personally know five dollars isn't much but it can add up. I am asking that you consider donating to support this organization. It could be any amount you like. No amount is too small or two big.
If you would like to learn more about Meld you can go to their website.Go here. They also have a wish list of items you can send. You can send them directly to Meld or I can probably give you an address (if it's okay with my husband)
I just want to add no pressure. If it's not something you can afford to support or want to support that is okay. I just thought I would give this a try. Making a difference a little at a time.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I have read several adoptive parents stories about how they're adopted children were affected by drinking during the pregnancy. It seemed like the book beat up on birthmother's. However, more towards the end, it also mentioned how social drinking during pregnancy has affected other children too. They were talking about people in higher social classes that drank at dinners and social gatherings. Maybe these cases are less likely to come forward or have a harder time talking about it, because in the case of a Mother parenting a child she actually damaged must be hard. However, with a case of adoption, it probably is easier to seek help and talk about the damage done during pregnancy because they didn't cause it.
If you read the story you can see that they tried a lot of stuff and that they claim that they were not informed. I don't recall any of the stories that I read in the book where the people gave their child up because of his/her problems. In some cases, once they were better informed, they seen how maybe they could have done better with the child. I think of it as coming into their world. My youngest son was thought to have autism and couldn't speak. I didn't just expect him to start talking. It was our goal. However, we learned sign and PECS and did what we could to come to his world and learn how he functioned. Some of the signs of autism are gone but we are still dealing with a child that has developmental delays and learning disabilities. So, how do I feel about them giving their adoptive daughter up? It kind of makes me sick.
I thought when people adopt they agree to bring them into their lives as if they given birth. Isn't that what they have to agree to? So, my question to them if I could ask is if this child was born to you would you give her up?? Or if she was really sick and needed extra care.. Would you give her up? I do feel for the family. I still think it's wrong.
What are your thoughts?
I just come back and add more to my reasons on why this story makes me upset. My daughter's family better love her with all their heart, for who she is and who she may become. I would hope that they will love her through the good times and the bad times. Love her even if she is being a pain in the ass. Love her as their child forever. I would hope they wouldn't give up on her just because she is too much trouble or work. I have to believe that adoptive parents do love their adoptive children just as much as if they gave birth. If that's not true then it makes me very sad.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I have been debating something for a while. I would like to use my blog to try to raise either funds or supplies for Meld. It's a great program and it's something that I would like to try. So, in the next few days, I will blog more about Meld's history and what they have done and what they could use.
I am going to commit to saving 5 a week for them. It's not a lot of money but it could add up. I already buy clothes here and there for them.
Meld had provided me with some healing. It gives me such great satisfaction that I have to wonder why didn't I start volunteering before. So, I do want to take it a step further and see if I could raise funds. I am thinking something like a ten week deal. See if I can get some money to them right before Christmas.
Friday, September 17, 2010
I am grateful for what I have right now. I know that your safe and happy. I know that your the most beautiful girl in the world. I know that your in college and working. However, I miss you. I want more. Call me selfish or whatever. I don't care. I just miss you. I love you baby girl.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
We got to talking about this and that and before you know it I was telling her about Meld and my part time job babysitting. I said, I have my reasons why it's what I do but I wouldn't tell my life story. She went on to tell me how she went to Meld and wished her daughter would go. Basically, she told me that her daughter placed her second baby for adoption. I quickly said, that my Mom made me and she admitted that she made her daughter. However, then she went on to say that it wasn't so much that she made her but that 9 months after the first which she was helping with there was a second baby.It's an open adoption and of course it's not been my experience. She then went on to say that she was pregnant again and giving this one to her sister. I felt kind of good and bad in a way. I felt bad that this woman doesn't know how to stop having kids until she is ready for them and how she said that they are giving this one to the sister like it was like giving someone loaf of bread.
I felt good that Meld is kind of becoming an opening for me. It can be a way to break the ice and share my story if I want to. This isn't easy for me. But I am tired of not being truthful to my life. I showed her the pictures of my daughter and she actually thinks she knows her or has at least seen her. I guess her son graduated at the same school. Maybe I do need to remember that Izzy and I do live in the same area. I hope it wouldn't cause any trouble if I showed them to the wrong people.
He came over because his wife was being a bitch and he wants to leave her. However, he said that his step son is his son. That he raised him and that wouldn't change. He then went on to say that biological don't mean crap. I felt so little. My husband kind of came to my rescue and says it does mean something. A lot of emotional connections and feelings. It was sweet of him.
Then, when we were outside. My Dad asked me have I have ever heard him say something bad about my Mom. I said, no but sometimes I wish you would. He kind of laughed and pretended to play slap me. Then, he said how he doesn't understand what my Mom has against me. He basically thinks that I am the only one with an issue with her.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
There were six kids. One new boy was only six weeks and the other new one was a girl and I wuld guess three months. We did have a student that was volunteering for the night only and she was a big help. Six kids is a lot especially if two are newborns.
The other four kids were from the last session or two. There is this little girl. I blogged about her. Well, she stole my heart a while back. She is so freaking cute and needs to be held before she will play. I am happy to take that job.
I kind of feel like that I am the main babysitter and the others are MY helpers! So, I always get first dibs on them. Also, it's know most of their names now.
I am also babysitting for a church on Sundays and want to hear something funny? I don't get the same satisfaction from it. Maybe it's because I am getting paid. It still doesn't feel like a job. I like the kids. But it doesn't give me the warm fuzzy feelings.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
- Didn't know the terms closed adoption, semi open or open adoption.
- Didn't know the term home study.
- Didn't know that there was always the chance that my daughter could have went to someone else.
- I didn't know that when the adoption agencies provided counseling to women in places like McDonald's that it was most likely a form of controlling the situation.
- Didn't know that 19 years later, I would still ache for my daughter.
- Didn't know that my life would totally change.
- Didn't know that it would be my last chance at a daughter.
- Didn't know that I would lead a secret life.
- Didn't know that after my daughter left the hospital and before the TPR's were signed I could have gotten her back.
- I didn't know that people would look down on me because I am a birthmother.
- I didn't know that I could love someone so much that it sometimes makes me wish that I could turn it off.
- I didn't know that everyone around me would have girls but I wouldn't.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Like I said, I won't go into too much details, but I had a few Mike's hard lemonade and fell asleep on our new sectional couch. It's so comfy. I remember waking up for a brief moment from a deep sleep and my husband was holding my hand. How sweet is that. We have come so far. I thought he was holding my hand because it was Izzy's birthday but when I asked if he's done that before, he said yes. I don't know if I ever felt more love than that when I woke up to him holding my hand. Yesterday, he treated me like a queen. Like, he said, What a difference a year makes.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
I still made my trip to the Ymca three times this week. It's a lifesaver for me. I love the pool. Now that I am working again, I have to cut my workout times from two hours to about one hour to one hour and half. I try to mix it up and love how refreshing it feels to do laps. I also love sitting in the sauna. It doesn't take the place of my hot tub but it does feel good.
I am expecting tomorrow to be hard. I wish I could say that I am ok because I have contact. I am better but not okay. If you want to read about last year, you can go here. I think I have come a long way.
I have been out of counseling since the beginning of summer. I miss it. I miss having those two hours to really talk about how I was feeling. I didn't have to sugar coat it or hide my emotions. I could cry if I wanted to. Now, I have made some progress in the area that I do have a few people that I can talk to. But they don't get it but do listen. My best friend knowing it was Izzy's birthday invited me to a birthday party. I told her I didn't think it would be good for me, but I asked who it was for. It was for her two year old niece. Nope. Not a party that I can handle in September.
I did get to play a part in her birthday by sending her a present or two. It felt so good. I will be honest though. I did it for me and not so much her. I needed to have that experience. But it wasn't just me.
I treated myself to a three day weekend and I am without kids until Sunday evening. Tomorrow, my husband and I are going to try to stay busy and take a road trip. It will be good for me. The night time is what I worry about though.
I don't recall that you even know her birthday. She was born on Sept 11 1991. I won't tell you here real name because I want to protect her privacy. I call her Izzy on here. She was born health despite the fact that I didn't go to the doctor during my pregnancy. I don't recall how much she weighed or the exact time. If I had to guess, I would say about 3 pm in the afternoon. It was a pretty easy deliverly. I only made it to the hospital with a few mintutes to spare. I have had two more kids and it's my belief that the less medical care the easier the delivery will be and safer for the baby. It's ironic that the one without prenatal care or medical help through the labor was able to go home within 24 hours. How sad. My sons both required and extended stay. I missed so much. I know that you did too. I am sorry about how I didn't tell the truth. I ams sorry that our daughter doesn't have access to your name because I forgot your last name.
I remember that day that you found me at your job. I was so scared. I could see your pain. I knew the ache in your eyes. It was in my eyes too. I know that you wanted information on her and I wouldn't give it to you. You will have to understand that I did what was best. I couldn't risk you trying to get her after she been with her parents for two years.
I will never forget how you told me that I was the second girl to give up your baby. I wonder if it was Johanna. I remember how I was jealous of her. She was your first love. You told me once that you had a special spot for her and would never forget her. Was it that you were bonded by a child? And you lost that child too? I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know where you. But I feel that I too can never forget you. You are my child's father. Your not the father that kissed and held her. Your not the father that taught her to ride a bike or helped with homework. You are not the father that was there to meet her boyfriend when she brought him home. However, you are the father that created her and that does count for something. Again, like I said, she is beautiful. I haven't met her yet but I do have some contact. I wonder where you are? Did you ever get over the loss of two children? Was it both girls or one of each? Did you go on to marry and finally get to be the Dad to children in your life?
Todd, Saturday is her birthday. She will be 19 years of age. I believe she has had a really good life. It doesn't make the pain go away but it does give me some peace to know that. I am so sorry for my part in her being adopted out. I was 15 and scared. I was taken advanage of by my Mom and the system that didn't provide me with legal advice and counseling before I signed the paperwork.
I wonder do you think of the girl we created? Is she a distant thought? Or is she on your mind a lot? Do you feel the missing peice of the puzzle in your life? Do you remember my last name at the time? Will you ever be at my door to look for our daughter through me? I am not sure if I would hug you or slap you. Your almost a figmant of my imagination. It's been forever. Well, I hope you have found some happiness.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I will be the first to admit the fact that this week is the week of my daughter's birthday is playing a role in my stress. I won't go into details but we did get the chance to do something for her birthday. It will make the day easier for me but it won't stop my tears that fall on her birthday. I wish it was enough but sadly it's not. I can wait for more and accept things in Izzy's time but that doesn't make it easy.
Well, back to the boys. For those that our new to reading my blog. Shortly, after the divorce to my first husband my oldest son pushed and pushed to live with his Dad. We have had some rough moments with everyone adjusting to the newness of it all. So, going against my desires, I let my sons live in two different households. My oldest is living in a 2 bedroom mobile home and my youngest lives with me in our two bedroom home with 1/2 finished basement. My oldest has just his Dad at home and my youngest lives with me and my husband of almost three years. My oldest has a cell phone and I believe gets more material wants than needs taken care of. My youngest gets more of his needs taken care of than his wants. My oldest has seen his Dad struggle with the bills and pawn several items. My youngest has lived through our tough times without experiencing seeing us pawn anything or have our electric or gas shut off. The closest he has seen us down and out is when we were running late on the water and they shut it off. It was only off for that day. My oldest has been living a more laid back lifestyle. What I mean is less rules. For the most part he gets his Dad all to himself. But then again, when Dad has to work, he is home alone. My youngest has the stability of two parents and we have rules. My oldest appears to be an average teen with friends. My youngest has learning disabilities. There is five years apart in them.
One thing that I resent my parents the most is making me babysit my brother and sister all the time. I think they made a mistake in thinking we were old enough to handle it. One of my issues with my first husband was that he would make my oldest son change the diapers of his brother. My youngest in ten so he isn't wearing diapers anymore but I know for a fact that my oldest is being made to be responsible for his brother.
I will end this for now .I will get back to it tomorrow or the next day.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I have gave myself an easy week at work. I worked tonight and I don't go back until Wednesday. Normally, I am off on Sunday and Monday but my son has to go to the dentist on Tuesday. Then, I work wed-fri and then I am off sat, sun and monday again. I have a few things that I want to do that I hope will keep me feeling too sad.
I am hoping to work on Izzy's scrapbook. I am planning on painting a doll bed that I bought from the flea market. I am thinking of going out to dinner with my husband if I am lucky to take a little road trip. Also,there is the paid babysitting job on Sundays now. I really hope I can enjoy the day more. I hope I can be content with what's been good and not relive the hours of crying from years past.
Friday, September 3, 2010
I do a lot of reading here and there and I been noticing a pattern. Almost every other book just has to mention the attacks that happened on Sept 11 2001 and that happened to be your birthday. Never before did I think of your birthday with the date 9/11 but then again no one went around saying or printing 9/11 this and 9/11 that and before 9/11 and now because of 9/11. After seeing it twice this week, two different books, I cried some. I want to scream enough about 9/11. Wake me up when September leaves. Your birthdays have always been really hard on me. I have missed you so much. I have lost a child. On your birthdays, I would think of you so much and hard to believe that another year had passed since I held you last. Sometimes, I say that 19 years have gone fast and other times.. it's been so slow.
Sometimes, I can think of you and smile. i am so proud of you. Other times, I get so sad. I want to go back in time and make you all mine. All the talk about 9/11 makes me think of you when I am just doing my day to day stuff. I wish I could always think happy thoughts,but I can't. I miss what I feel should have been. I understand that you won't share my feelings. Izzy, I love you so much. You are smart, beautiful and caring. I am honored to be able to help celebrate your birthday. I know it may seem silly. But this feels like your 1st birthday to me! So, happy 1st birthday and happy 19th birthday!! Love always,
Thursday, September 2, 2010
How do you say thanks to a teacher that home schooled me for six weeks when I didn't even have a home. We were staying in a hotel room. How do you say thanks to someone who came to the Dr with me for some scary tests because I had been dealing with an own known illness. How do you say thanks to someone who showed you care and compassion when you didn't have it at home? Not to say that my Mom and Dad didn't love me but they were not acting like parents. How do you say thanks to someone who listened to you crying because your daughter's family ran off and it just hit you that the promised pictures wouldn't be coming? I am not sure if there is any amount of thanks can repay her for what she did for me. When I think of that first year without my daughter. I have to take a double take. Did I really make it through that year? Some of it seems like a blur.. I think of all the cruel things. How my mother's family would yell at me for crying.. How my parents chose to pretend nothing happened and how much I missed her. To this day, I don't think I could walk through those school doors. A couple years ago, my son was starting the eight grade and had an event at the school and I just couldn't go. Normally, I can put my kids ahead of myself but that is one building that I just can't go back to. It was pure hell. But my memories always include Liz and the little things she did for me. It's kind of ironic that I think she actually rejected me. I guess I can't blame her. It's not as if I still look the same and my name is different. It's just kind of funny because rejection is on my problems in life. I have seen quite a bit of it, but this one, I think is kind of funny.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I know I have some teachers that read this.. would you want someone to tell you how you made a difference? Also, I just think it's an amazing job and want teachers to know that they do make a difference.